I Can’t Forgive…or Can I?
“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”
All of us know that, as Christians, we are called to extend and to give what God has given to us: forgiveness.
Yet, so often, we feel stuck. Maybe even secretly we think, “I just can’t forgive,” or maybe we’ve tried to forgive and failed so many times that we feel defeated.
If you want to be free, truly free, and not weighed down by the weight of what another did to you, and if you’ve tried to forgive and even said over and over “I forgive” but you can tell you’ve not gotten free, then this article is for you.
There is a lot of confusion around biblical forgiveness which leaves people saying “I forgive,” but feeling no lighter or freer from those feelings of anger or bitterness or revenge afterward. That can change!
How do you forgive biblically?
The exercise below has greatly helped many to rightly think of biblical forgiveness, and we can testify that time and time again we and others have experienced true freedom from walking through this exercise.
Step One: Go On-Record with the Wrong
Imagine you are in a courtroom. This is the courtroom of heaven, and God is the just judge on the throne.
Now picture that the one who wronged you is sitting over at the defendant’s table, and you take the stand to testify about the wrong you have suffered at the defendant’s hands.
There is a stenographer who is writing down everything you say, without missing an iota of it.
Step 1 of biblical forgiveness is to tell the courtroom everything that the defendant did to wrong you. Be specific and thorough.
What did he/she say that wronged you?
What did he/she not say that wronged you?
What did he/she do that wronged you?
What did he/she not do that wronged you?
Now, if as you are reading this and thinking, “I can’t do this because love keeps no record of wrongs” (New International Version, 1978, 1 Cor. 13:5), hang in there, because we aren’t going to end here.
And don’t overlook this. In order to keep no record of wrongs, we actually have to forgive wrongs…and for us to forgive wrongs, we actually have to acknowledge wrongs.
So don’t rush past this part or skip anything. What isn’t accounted for is a weight that you won’t shed with forgiveness.
If you only list 5% of the offenses that he/she did, you will only forgive 5% of the offenses that he/she did; and, as a result, you will only be 5% freer at the end of this exercise.
After you’ve made the list, take time to ask, “God, would you help bring to mind anything else that should be on this list?”
Don’t leave things off the list because they feel small or insignificant to you or because you are embarrassed that they hurt you.
You can't forgive what you're unaware of, what you've ignored or what you’ve minimized.
God is not impatient, and He doesn’t call our pain petty. If there is anything else that came to mind as you prayed, take time to write that down as well.
Step Two: Count the Cost of the Wrong
The second step of biblical forgiveness is to count – and fully acknowledge – the cost of the wrong done to you.
Sin costs, usually in more ways than one.
Forgiveness doesn’t make light of sin, and it doesn’t pretend that sin’s cost is no big deal. When Jesus died for our sin, He did not say, “Your sin is no big deal…don’t worry about it.”
Part of freedom is acknowledging the cost of the wrong; so, fixing your eyes on the Just Judge who is on the throne, tell the Judge and the courtroom what the wrong done to you cost you.
Financially. What has it cost you?
Emotionally. What has it cost you?
Relationally. What has it cost you?
Physically. What has it cost you (time, sleep, etc.)?
Materially. What has it cost you?
Mentally. What has it cost you?
Professionally. What has it cost you?
Again, ask God to help you identify anything you’ve overlooked. Do not skip or minimize anything, because you want to be truly free after this!
Step Three: Agree with the Declaration
In biblical forgiveness, God does not sweep sin under the rug. God calls it what it is: sin, and He fully declares wrongdoing for what it is: guilty.
With that in mind, return to the courtroom scene.
Now, imagine that after you’ve shared the wrongs that the defendant has done and what those wrongs have cost you, that the gavel comes down by the Judge’s hand, and He makes the pronouncement about the defendant:: “Guilty.”
Agree with God and actually imagine saying, “Guilty!” with Him in agreement.
You won’t get free if you bypass this step.
Step Four: Choose to Forgive
The fourth step is to choose to forgive.
As you continue to picture the courtroom, imagine that you go over to the one who has wronged you, and you lead them, by their handcuff hands, over to a prison cell that is in the corner of the room.
Standing in front of that jail cell (which represents the cell of your soul), you have a choice to make.
Will you leave them in there? Will you choose to continue to punish them in the cell of your soul for what they have done to you? Or, will you choose to take that key out of your pocket, uncuff them, and allow them to walk away?
As you decide this, remember that your choice to forgive is not a choice to forego justice. It’s deciding to leave justice in God’s hands.
Take a moment, and when you’re ready imagine setting them free.
You will know when you have really done this step, because you will feel lighter…and depending on what you’ve endured, you may feel much lighter!
Step Five: Stay Free
What is the fifth step? It’s staying free!
Do not re-experience the injury all over again by rehearsing and recalling and replaying what was done to you. When you repeat what they did, in a way, your heart experiences it all over again. The injury happens again, and now you need to forgive again.
Ban the replaying and repeating from your mental activities and be on guard for the enemy’s attack. Remember, unforgiveness is disobedience, and it gives the enemy access to and a foothold in our lives. The enemy doesn’t want to lose that, and so, it’s typical to feel bombarded with memories you want to forget.
When this happens, what do you do? Take that as an opportunity to do the very opposite of what the enemy wants you to do: instead of harbor hatred, pray for that person’s blessing!
In this way, you can get free, stay free, and please God in the process!
© 2022 Shane Farmer, Rebekah Layton. All rights reserved.